MIndless rambling

And where does all these goes?

It being late, and I'm still up, as do many of us.

Things aren't going as smoothly as I thought it should be.

May be it's the global recession, may be it's me...

Whatever it is, I am slowly changing.

I still want my friends and family. I still want to be a part of them.

I just don't really have the time and mood to just hang out nowadays.

I just wanna have some alone time, to think about the things that I've missed thinking while I was busy.

I meet them, many of them, tonight. But it has been different. I have been away for a long time.

Certain things, I do not regret.

Certain things, I hope I have done right by them.

But most of all, I just want to have peace in my heart. And be happy for what I am , who I am, and what I have.

I just wanna be me.

Oh~ Just Another Blog of the Day...

It had been a while since I last blogged. A friend of mine was asking me when I would start writing again, and I was pleasantly surprised that anyone would want to read my writings.

I have, however, these days, been more fond of looking into Facebook and updating my status from time to time. I find that a better and easier way of expressing myself, with more interactions and feedback. Blogging can be quite a lonely task, as though you are talking and writing into an abyss.

One colleague of mine asked me one day, "Huh? You actually wrote in your FB about your sales?" Well, not so much in context, but more of the emotional side of it. :-)

Chinese New Year is just round the corner, and tonight I am sitting here in my hotel room writing to tell the world what I have to say, which is nothing much. Updating can be a pain in the ass when you already have to update your sales reports everyday. Furthermore, I do not want to bore my readers with what I had for breakfast this morning in the airport. But since I mentioned breakfast, McDonald's opened at 4 a.m. in the airport, and the freshly prepared Sausage McMuffin was heavenly on a cold morning.

I had two of that this morning.
(There, that was my "sinful act" of the morning).

And I am reading a book now documenting the life of a "Multiple Personalities Disordered" person. I found out that the more specific term for this condition is "Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID", whereby a person might display distinctly different personalities that would emerge when the person reached adulthood at different times and circumstances.

In many cases, the person had undergone childhood abuse, both physically and/or sexually, of which the child had chosen to blocked out during the event. These alters were the personalities that carried the memories of the abuse, while protecting the child from suffering since young.

I then googled the term "DID" on the net and found an interesting and comprehensive video on the condition, and it was heartbreaking to watch the people suffering from DID. Understanding brings sympathy and empathy for the victim and also the carer of the victim. It was a life of absolute distortion, of not remembering what really had happened to oneself, and the constant danger of hurting oneself. Self-mutilation is common. One woman set fire on her car and woke up later breathing through a respirator.

So much for now. Currently, I consider the book the most interesting thing in my life now, and had done a slight research of the content, apart from the fact that I had to get ready for the new year, bring in more sales, travel to places, furnish my room, supervise a gathering for the scout group, pinning a date down for the event, and make sure that the kids are doing okay. (Not my kids, the kids that are supposed to be organizing the gathering).

But I have made many good friends along the way, particularly when I am travelling alone. Busy is my life, but the fulfilment is there.

Picture

I found a very beautiful picture the other day.

It was drawn by an Indonesian artist, and it was hung on the wall of one certain living room.

I thought I might just get a picture like that for my living room too. But, that was just me thinking.

Simple Musing

Life is kind of like a game played. You give a little, and hope for a better return. Many times that outcomes are not what we would have hoped to be, surprises seem to rule. Nevertheless, be it pleasant or nasty, a surprise is still something that we would have to learn to accept, to deal with, and later on, move on with our lifes, however it has changed us.

The people that you meet along your way, they are all different. One can never be sure that saying the same thing that pleases this person would bring out the same effect in the other. It takes a lot observation and tact to communicate and deal with every single person that you meet, from your aging grandparents, to your nagging parents, to your indifferent sister, and to the many others in the world around me that did not stop changing.

But it is these everchanging relationships that interests me. An approach, when dealt with in the right way, will yield a positive outcome, or else otherwise. Yet that does not depend on only one party. Relationship is something that the two parties involved will have to be equally responsible of. Not only does one party need to give, the other will need to give as much, if not more, to keep that balance in place. Similarly, the taking plays the same role too. Never take more than what you have given.

There would be times when you will be approached by people with certain foul intentions. Such intentions are mostly substancially visible to all if one would take a step back, and look back into the situation with a cool head. When such situation arises, any sort of assumption will not help with the situation. The best way will be to just sit back, and watch your opponents move. Then, try to figure out the real reasons behind those moves, and plan a protection plan, or a counter attack. Never sit and become a duck for the bullets.

Never fight your opponent according to his strength. Fight in favour of your own strength. Keep your profile low, and never show off to others what you know or what you have. For these may be the weapon that might just save you in the future.

Learn to be humble, and never lose faith. The foremost, never lose hope. Something good might just come out of a bad incident.

For those who has yet to do anything wrong, do it right the first time.

For those who has been wrong, repent, turn around, and do the right thing the next time round.

Never forget what we are, for it is what we are that determines who we are.

People Are Like Sea Urchins

Let's face it. Life is a bitch, and I am like a sea urchin.

Ever saw a sea urchin before?

Let me put this picture in your mind. It is a circular piece of organism, with spikes as long as 3 to 20 cm all around it's body (test, to be exact, the "hide" of this organism is called test), and it moves around with their adhesive, tube feet around the bed of the ocean. Their colours vary from black to brown, green, olive and dull purple. Some have spines (or spikes, as I like to call it) that are so sharp that they could poke through one layer of 4mm thick rubber into your skin. The tip of the spikes will then be broken off and be embedded under your skin, in certain cases, through your flesh.

These creatures lives in a community. They group together in one colony to keep the predators away. That is how the human community lives, isn't it?

So, now you have an idea what a sea urchin is.

Right, so where do I fit in?

I cannot live without people around, yet I cannot bear to be too close to one.

Get it?

No?

We are all people with our own quikes and quirks (i.e. characteristics, individuality, uniqueness etc. etc.). Our quikes and quirks are like the spikes on the sea urchin. We, our hearts, our feelings, our emotions, or whatever it is that people call it in the similar sense, are like the body in the centre. The body is soft and fragile, and thus is vunerable to any kind of attack.

People are like sea urchins. They cannot live outside the community, for they need one another to keep one another safe, yet they cannot live too closely together. You get stung by the spikes of the other.

So, is it possible for us all to live together, without hurting the other?

Of course!

I stood there on the jetty stretching out from the Pom Pom island that day, and looked at the colony of black sea urchins under the jetty. I saw that each of the sea urchins kept a safe distance in between one another. This way, they are able to keep the community safe from predators, and yet live peacefully with one another.

I guess we all have to learn from the urchins, eh?

To Love A Selfish Lover

I am down, and I am back in life.

A friend text me this evening and asked if I wrote that post "Selfish Lover". I said yes.

He said that he knew how that felt like, for he, too, was going through the same process. He then asked if there was any advice for such relationship.

I said I did not know any.

The one and only way to make a relationship work, is for those involved in such relationship to really want it to work.

Nothing can really work if there was no heart (sincerity) and effort.

In any relationship, the most that one could do, could only make up to 50% of the total effort, though that might take 100% of one's effort. The other 50% would depend on the other party.

This is why most that are involved in such relationships will constantly feel insecure. When one's effort exceeds the other, there is an imbalance in the give and take of the relationship, tipping the balance over. The one that gives will eventually get tired of giving, and the one that was given will feel the burden of the giver heavier and heavier.

We can never be sure of our partner unless they truly love us.

Loving someone who only loves him or herself is always and will forever be painful.

Please bear the pain if you truly love that person.

For, if you did not give up, there would still be 50% of chance for success.

Good luck, my dear friend. I hope that you will never abandon the love and hope that keep us all moving forward. May love and hope be with you throughout your journey.

Selfish Lover

You know how it is like to be in a relationship, where one of you is always the one to take one step back and let the other has his/her way?

Em-Hmm.. (Sorting through my documents)

Whenever there is a problem, you just do not want to say it out, for you are afraid that he/she would be unhappy, and you fear losing him/her.

Yeah... *I know, I've been through that,*(continuing with my work)

But keeping the problems inside does not solve the problem. Instead, it only adds tension to the relationship...

Mmm... (looking at my documents, *these numbers are wrong*)

With all the problems inside you, you are rigid when you are around him/her, or very quiet, or uneasy, or unhappy. And when you are like this, he/she will be affected. And he/she will feel like running away from you.

(Look up, then look down at my work again)

If you say it out, then he/she will say that you are giving them a lot of burden, and he/she will use that to break up with you.

Sigh...

So, the conclusion is, this is not a healthy relationship. He/she just does not love you that much. Not even enough for you to be yourself, to say whatever it is that you want in front of him/her. Given the chance, he/she will use every little reason to leave you, even petty ones.

These are the people who love themselves and only themselves.

Just let it go, bro.

Repentance

Does she still call you?

Nope!

Why? What is the problem?

I don't know.

Hmm....

Right. Hmmm...

There will be times in your life, when you meet with people who will become your friend, then your good friend, then you close friend, and all of a sudden, for certain reasons, the two of you become enemies.

Now why would that happen?

It could have been due to those certain reasons, something that you said or did had hurt him/her. It could have been a misunderstanding. It could have been anything.

But whatever the reason is, whatever the mistake is, there will always be a way of resolving and amending. Nothing is unsolvable. And nothing can't not be forgiven. Even the death of Jesus.

I like the part of the bible, where Jesus asked the people who wanted to stone a sinner to death, and Jesus said, "Whoever has not sinned, can throw stones at this woman." Nobody in the crowd dared to throw the first stone.

I know that I have done many wrongs in my life, and that I am still unknowingly (sometimes knowingly, like sleeping in the afternoon when I am supposed to iron my clothes and cleaning my room ;P) making many of the mistakes known to mankind. But I also know that I am not a perfect person, that making mistakes is part of my journey in life, from the beginning to the end. I try to be good, and learn the good. I try to practise them in my daily life, though in many ways it brings a tougher journey than the other.

But I am bound to make mistakes, for I am still young and naive in many ways. There are many things that I am not taught right in the beginning, and I have to suffer on my way with that. For those things that are dark and nasty inside me, life has a way of cleaning it out. Through life itself, it presents difficulties and trials. Through difficulties and trials, it brings growth, cleansing and betterment.

We are a better and stronger person because of what life has to offer to us. Both the good and the bad, they help us to learn and grow strong. I am a better person because of what happened to me in the past. I may not talk about them to anyone else, but they stay in my heart, and I cherish those experiences.

My wish is to do right by my loved ones, my family and my friends. I may make mistakes, and I am bound to, and I will always take responsibility for what I have done wrong, and bear the consequences.

But please do not give up in me. For all the wrongs that I have done, that is the worst punishment.

I am not the best, nor the holiest. I am a commoner, and I am learning, and trying to be good.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

Harmonious

This is one picture that I love from Madonna and her three children/adopted children.

Each individual is unique, yet there is a sense of comfort in the presence of one another.

Even with differing skin tone or hair texture, love can make us all live harmoniously together.

To Trust, Or To Believe? What Should It Be?

I have not been here for a month. My life has been busy, busy picking up things where I have left them before. Old friends to gather, new friends to meet, and my work. Everyday starts with me picking up the unfinished ends of yesterday and continuing with what should be done for the rest of it, and starting the whole cycle all over again.

Once in a while, something new would pop up. And that would most certainly disturbed your routine.

These surprises, they could be pleasant, or not.

But whether they were angels, or devils, they most certainly would leave you with a mark. Something for you to remember them by, be it a spot where you smiled at once you laid your eyes on it, or a scar that was just too ugly to bear sight.

Some scars may be ugly, but they are your medals that honour your growth and maturity. Some scars are just there because you chose to trust the wrong person.

I do not trust easily. People lie. This is a plain fact.

Never trust easily, nor fully. Always leave some space in between so you will have time to bulk. This was my lesson.

But once in a while, if it appears in front of me, I will choose to believe.

And once I believe, I hold on to it fast, and will never let go.

Trust and believe. They are not the same.

I may not trust a person's character to accomplish certain things, but I believe in the good in him, that he is capable of being kind to others.

It is hard to trust, harder still to believe. Yet believing can be so easy, the moment that you see it, you will know what to believe in.

It is hard to trust, but believing makes things easier. At least it makes living with that person more bearable.

Rag

I woke up this morning, and suddenly things became clear to me.

There were times when I spent too much time and energy doing things that reared no outcome. Yet I chose not to believe in that reality. I like to believe that with my effort, I could change things.

It was great to be able to think like that, and sometimes, things really did change if enough effort and time were invested.

But that does not work for every case.

A piece of torn clothing, however you mend it, will never be the same again, however much you wish it to be.

Reality hit this morning, and I finally decided to let it go.

I will have many more new clothing in the future, though this may be my favorite one, once torn, it will have to go.

Valentine

It's valentine's day, and it started me thinking.

What was the purpose of valentine's day?

They said that it was a day to celebrate the love between two people. I do not object.

They said that it was a day to show your love to your loved one. I do not object.

They said that it was a day to take you love one out for a candle light dinner. Yes, that's romantic.

But was all that necessary?

Who said that one must send red roses to their valentine on this day?

Who decided that one must have dinner in a dimly-lit room with forks and knives with their valentine on this day?

Does it mean that the more roses that one sent, your love for the other is bigger or of more value or richer?

Don't get me wrong. I still blush with happiness whenever I receive flowers on this day, and smile at myself whenever I think of that someone. It's the little gimmicks like this that keep the love going.

But was that all necessary?

Here I am, sitting in front of my desk, looking at the flowers that I received in the day, yet only the feeling of tiredness and dread envelop me.

These flowers are dying. And I hate them.

Red roses are turning into black petals. Dark and ugly.

Until someone called me nearly one in the morning, and came to my place with a bunch of roses.

They were pink, fresh, and pure. They bloomed with the heart of the giver.

And I was happy. Not because I received flowers. But because someone still cared enough to know that I was alone on valentine's day and came to me, even though it might not be valentine's anymore.

I may still be alone. But I have friends who cared. Enough to search the area at midnight to get flowers and make the journey to my place. Friends who love me enough to take care of me in such a sense.

Never my lover, yet today, he was my valentine.

I thank you.

I may be alone, but my heart is warm.

Guys, people, I love you all!!! Happy valentine's day, and may all your days be as sweet as valentine!!!! Cheers!!!